Managing money can be one of the most significant stressors in relationships, yet it’s often the topic that’s the hardest to discuss. Whether it’s making big financial decisions together or navigating the complexities of individual financial histories, understanding how money impacts both partners is essential to building a strong foundation.
In this interview, Richard Gardner, CFP® is joined by Erika Wasserman, CFT-I™, the owner of Your Financial Therapist. Erika brings a unique perspective, blending financial expertise with emotional insight, helping individuals and couples navigate their relationship with money and each other. Together, they discuss how financial therapy can help couples bridge financial divides, the emotional side of money, and actionable advice for building a healthy, transparent financial relationship.
Interview:
Richard Gardner, CFP®: Can you tell us a bit about yourself and your background, and why you became a financial therapist?
Erika Wasserman: Sure! My life has definitely been a rollercoaster. I’m sure you’d agree, most people I meet also have similar experiences with their lives. We often expect our careers, love lives, and home lives to follow a smooth, straight path, but in reality, life is full of twists and turns – some of which make you throw your hands up and scream, and others that make your stomach drop.
I grew up in a household where talking about money was just normal. Back in the day, we had one family computer, and my dad would go online after work, trading stocks and talking about financial matters. I loved math, so it just became something we bonded over, and I thought it was normal. I got a degree in finance from the University of Florida, where talking about money was still very much a part of my world.
I spent a decade working for IBM in consulting, which was when I met my future ex-husband. We made some classic financial mistakes – like getting an apartment we shouldn’t have been able to afford in New York City in our 20s, and then buying our first home. That was the first big twist in my life, and I had some more, including moving overseas to Tokyo for two years with my job, having our first daughter there, and then moving to Shanghai with a four-month-old.
Fast forward, after three kids, I left both my corporate career and my marriage. The rollercoaster really ramped up. I then started working with entrepreneurs and helping them grow businesses. A decade later, my father passed away, and he had always been my accountability partner throughout all of these life transitions. He was the one I went to for advice on everything, from life insurance to buying a new car.
But when my dad passed, my mom had never been involved in those financial conversations, and I found myself helping her navigate her finances. In fact, last week, she bought a house on her own, something I never thought would happen!
In 2019, I discovered financial therapy, and the lightbulb went off. I realized that this was exactly what I was meant to do. I can’t run a marathon, but talking about money, especially from an emotional standpoint, is something I’ve always been comfortable with. The emotional side of money is huge, and I had experienced enough life transitions to understand that it’s not just about the numbers, but also about the emotions tied to money.
So, I went to Kansas State to earn a graduate certificate in financial therapy, joining the Financial Therapy Association, and I became certified in this field. Since then, I’ve focused on helping people understand the emotional side of their relationship with money. It’s something that people don’t often talk about, and that’s where financial therapy comes in – helping break those barriers and open up conversations.
Richard: What do you think every family or couple should know about money? What would you say is the headline piece of advice that you’d give?
Erika: Absolutely – everyone has a unique relationship with money. The key is understanding your partner’s relationship with money because once you understand that, you can better understand their decision-making and values around money.
A lot of people come to me and say, “I don’t even know how to start the conversation,” or “I could never ask that question.” So, I created something called the “Let’s Talk Finances” cards, which are conversation prompts. They include questions like, “Have you ever declared bankruptcy? If so, what did you learn from it?” or “What’s something you buy that annoys your partner and why?”
These cards are designed to get the conversation started, and to help people learn more about their partner’s money habits and beliefs. For example, with my ex-husband, when I brought up life insurance, I assumed we were on the same page. I thought it was about protecting our family. But he didn’t see it that way. To him, it was like I was expecting him to die. The conversation was completely different in his mind, even though we were talking about the same thing. Once we were able to break it down, I realized we were coming from two totally different mindsets.
So, the key takeaway here is to have those conversations early and often to better understand each other’s perspectives on money.
Richard: Is there a common theme you see among your clients?
Erika: Yes, definitely. The common theme I see is shame and fear around money. People often feel embarrassed or like they don’t know enough, even if they’re very successful in other areas of their lives. I work with very high-net-worth individuals who are incredibly successful in their businesses but still have fear and shame when it comes to financial topics. They may not know what an index fund is or how to diversify their investments, and that lack of knowledge holds them back.
On the flip side, I also work with clients who have come into wealth after selling a business. These individuals may be very frugal and experience guilt when they start spending the money they’ve worked so hard to earn.
Both of these types of clients face challenges, whether it’s dealing with fear of making mistakes, lifestyle creep, or understanding how to manage new wealth. It’s a mindset shift that needs to happen for them to feel more comfortable moving forward.
Richard: Is there something you think people could easily avoid when it comes to their finances? Any common mistake you see that could have been prevented?
Erika: Yes – estate planning! This is something I see so often. People avoid estate planning, and when they don’t have their documents in place, it creates confusion and conflict down the road. I see this especially with generational wealth, where there’s a lot of money involved but no clear plan for how it should be managed or distributed.
Estate planning should begin at 18 when your child heads off to college. At that point, they are an adult in the eyes of the law, and you can’t access their medical records or financial information without the proper documents, like a power of attorney.
The same goes for parents, who sometimes avoid these tough conversations about what happens when they’re no longer here. If everyone had these conversations early on, it could save so much grief, conflict, and unnecessary expenses later.
Richard: When you think about couples not being on the same page financially, how do you help them get on the same page or at least coexist with each other financially?
Erika: Great question! I always tell advisors that couples are often divided into two categories: the “how” people and the “wow” people. The “how” person is detail-oriented and wants to know the specifics, while the “wow” person is the dreamer – they focus on the big picture.
For example, if you ask a couple where they want to retire, the “wow” person might say, “I want to retire on a beach in Hawaii,” while the “how” person starts thinking about the realtor, taxes, and other specifics. Your job as an advisor is to find the overlap and help them bridge the gap.
So, I recommend having both people tell their story. Don’t bombard the “wow” person with too many questions right away. Let them dream, and then the “how” person can ask questions to bring those dreams to reality.
As for actually getting on the same page, I like to recommend that they find a picture of their dream retirement spot. Maybe it’s a beach in Hawaii, or it’s a cozy cabin in the mountains. The goal is to create a visual that both partners can focus on and work towards together. When you have a common goal, you can start narrowing down the details and make the dream more tangible.
Richard: Finally, is there any advice you would give to people who are concerned about financial infidelity or drifting apart financially? How can they prevent it from happening?
Erika: Financial infidelity can be a huge issue. It’s when one partner hides financial matters from the other, whether it’s secret accounts or credit cards. The warning signs can include things like hidden accounts or finding out about credit cards you didn’t know about. It’s important to have transparency, and both partners need to show up to financial meetings. Even if one person is more involved in the financial decision-making, it’s crucial for both to be in the loop.
You can prevent financial infidelity by being transparent and having those conversations together. It might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s necessary. If one person is avoiding meetings or hiding things, it’s important to address that head-on. It’s about creating a culture of open, honest communication about money – even when it’s uncomfortable.
Conclusion:
Building a healthy financial relationship, whether with a partner, family, or business, takes open communication, trust, and a willingness to address both the practical and emotional aspects of money. Erika Wasserman’s unique approach to financial therapy highlights the importance of understanding how money shapes our relationships and how we can navigate challenges together. It’s not just about the numbers—it’s about the stories, emotions, and shared goals that guide our financial journeys. By having these conversations early and often, couples and families can set themselves up for a successful financial future, together.